Sunday, September 10, 2006

First kiss - By Mara

By Mara
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Friday night, I kissed a girl for the first time. It felt wonderful. On a deep level, it felt like coming home.

My first kiss with a guy was non-consentual. His lips against my lips, his tongue in my mouth - it disgusted me. I was molested and raped.

I'm wondering if I'm attracted to women just because of my bad experiences with guys, or if this is really me. I have been intimate with guys, mainly in an attempt to "erase" the bad things that the other guys did.

Does anyone have experience with this?

PLEASE don't submit comments such as "it's wrong" or "don't let the things the bad guys did affect your sexuality".

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome home!

September 10, 2006 10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mara,
I know your struggle. I finally got to the point were I realized I was bi. I don't know if it's because of my abuse and experiences with dating?

I just at times feel a connection with both men and women. I look at them as people and not as sexes. I see the beauty in both.

September 10, 2006 11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mara,
Thanks so much for posting this. It's really a very important topic. So many of us struggle with our sexual orientation. It's not just women who question if it's ok to be with someone of the same sex, especially if you grew up in the frum world.

I think it's natural for almost everyone frum and not frum, survivor and non-survivor to wonder if they are gay, bi or straight.

I'll be honest with you, I think many people even test it out like what you are describing some time in their lives, yet they keep it a deep dark secret. I don't know if that's bad or good, it's just a fact.

September 10, 2006 11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for your bravery in talking about this issue. I also struggle with the same issues.

September 10, 2006 11:45 PM  
Blogger APlace2BHeard said...

Mara
I am a Jewish lesbian survivor of sexual abuse. I have had all the same questions and emotions. Stay strong. You will figure it out on your own. Your sexuality is a big part of who you are. Only you know the answer and you will find it at the right time.

September 12, 2006 11:38 AM  
Blogger necomputerpro said...

Mara,

As some others have said, just give it time.

As a Jewish lesbian survivor of sexual abuse, I was a "late bloomer" and began to date men while I was in my 20's. But, I realized at an earlier age (9 or 10), that I was attracted to girls and women.

So, although I generally didn't feel passion for men (I went through the paces as my family expected), my relationships bloomed when I was with women in my 30's. For me, I feel an attraction for women, rather than truly hating men, that drives me.

September 26, 2006 1:33 PM  

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