Ziporah's Story

I am an incest survivor.

I grew up in a Jewish home, yet never knew anything about Judaism. I remember being curious about my friends who went to church each week and their relationship with God. It was something I was never taught.

I had been to synagogues for bar mitzvah's, bris's and the high holidays (at least some years), yet that was about it.

When I was a teenager I remember going out of my way to drive through the orthodox community near me. I was always curious about them, wondering what it would be like to live like that? I sort of thought of them as being like the Amish, yet different because I saw them driving cars and talking on cell phones.

When I went away to college I went to a few Hillel events, yet had trouble connecting with anyone there. I ended up making friends with people in my dorm.

One day I met a guy in one of my classes who was frum. We went out many times -- having long discussions about Judaism. Because of him I started to learn some.

My family life was horrible. I tried to stay away from them as much as possible. I found myself creating a new family in the orthodox world. Keeping kosher and shabbos was a great excuse for me not to have to go home for holidays. I could diplomatically get out of most family events.

The problem was that I began to feel like I was a hypocrite. As much as I liked knowing so many people and always having plans for the weekend (Shabbat). I found myself loosing myself. I felt like I was a robot. Repeating what I was told to say, doing what I was told to do, being who I was told to be.

All of a sudden I realized that the new family that I created was very similar to the one I grew up with, except that I was not being physically or sexually abused.

I tried talking to my rabbi about my issues. He referred me to a psychologist who basically told me he didn't believe I was an incest survivor. I started feeling shunned as soon as I disclosed I was abused. I also started to feel like what ever I told my therapist was being leaked to my rabbi.

I used to be invited to shabbos meals all the time, yet suddenly when I disclosed my childhood history (to my rabbi) the invitations stopped coming. When I tried to talk about what I felt like was happening everyone told me that what I was saying was lashon hara.

A few months ago I moved out of the community that I have lived for the last few years of my life. I'm feeling lost and confused. I stopped keeping kosher and shabbat. The observant friends I thought would last a life time, no longer return my calls.

My life changed because I told my rabbi that I was sexually abused as a child.