Thursday, March 09, 2006

Jewish Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Dating Other Survivors - What do you think?

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A friend forward the following. Please feel free to respond and I'll forward the responses to her.

I've been having converstations with several of my friends who are survivors and also single. We came up with the idea of having a Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse Dating Service.

What do you think of the idea? I think it could be a great one, but there is always the problem of some people being really dysfunctional. Is that something we should be concerned with?

I know for myself I want to get married. I know that many guys don't want to get involved with someone like me because I'm from a pretty "F _ _ _ ed up childhood. Who would want to have a child molester as a father-in-law?

Please give me your feedback on this idea!

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anne said...

Wow. My instantaneous gut reaction is that abusive people would use this to find people who are emotionally vulnerable for exploitive purposes. How do you screen for sincerity, or victims who have gone on to become perpetrators themselves? You can't; most abusers looking for new victims are adept at emotional manipulation.

I understand the want for instant gratification; it took me 38 years to find a good, non-abusive man, and all of my attempts to find a faster way than getting to know someone by observing their behavior over a long period of time ended in disaster. There are no shortcuts if you are truly looking for a partner for life.

March 09, 2006 2:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is a good idea... though I am not a survivor, but have a close relative that is.

I think going through similar experiences helps take away alot of the "unknown" of things (not all...) and could make it easier to be understanding of each other - especially as it relates to the emotional side-effects of this horrific abuse endured by each... (provided of course that the couple is compatible in every other way too.)

March 09, 2006 7:30 PM  
Anonymous Rivky said...

Anne,
It's my fear too, but to be honest with you I would love to find a man who could relate to what I've been through.

I've gone to shudchan's, JDATE, Frumster and Orthodate. I think I'm a magnet for abusive men.

Any ideas in how to prevent this from happening anywhere you look?

March 09, 2006 8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rivky wrote:

Any ideas in how to prevent this from happening anywhere you look?

No idea, but think this would be an excellent and helpful topic for a book or article. It obviously has to come from some change within us, how we move through the world and present ourselves. But tips on the 'hows' would be wonderful.

March 10, 2006 7:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand the idea, and in some aspects it's a good one. But as someone else said, many predators are extremely skilled at presenting themselves as victims themselves.

The rabbi who abused and raped me roped me in with empathy, sharing his abusive childhood history and skillfully tweaking all my empathy buttons for someone who "understood".

Be very, very careful if you do this.
And he's still out there; STILL presenting himself to others as a "victim".

March 10, 2006 7:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On dating a survivor of incest and never having inlaws, and the issues associated with being married to someone who has been abused:

It's great not having inlaws.

It takes all the pressure off. There's nobody to
impress. If my father in law doesn't approve of me, I
really couldn't care less. It bothers me sometimes
that my extended family is a little small, but I
really don't have anything to compare it to, so I
don't lose sleep over it.

As far as being married to someone who has problems, I
was nervous about it but in the end, many marriages
have much bigger problems than we have. Not
communicating and not appreciating your family are the
biggest threats to family. We communicate and
appreciate that we have a semi-normal, although small,
family. There is no coorelation to success of a family
and the problems people take into the marriage.

'Normal' people have a lot of divorces and marital
problems because they don't know how to overcome
adversity, don't know advanced relationship
psychology, and don't have the same appreciation for a
good family life as we do.

People are rightly hesitant to date survivors, but it shouldn't be a dealbreaker if the survivor is dealing with his/her issues.

...However, I don't like the idea of survivor dating networks.

-Anonymous.

March 12, 2006 1:01 AM  

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