Monday, January 30, 2006

Trusting Again...

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No one is asking you to trust again least of all me. I probably have a handful of people in this world that I can trust because personally I believe trust should be earned. I believe I have allowed myself to hand it out so freely that I have learned very valuable lessons about trust enough to be able to sit here and explain to you that you too should be more concerned about your trust than you probably give yourself enough thought about. I've heard numerous women come to me and tell me they have trust issues, that they don't trust so easily, that it's so hard to open up. And then turn around and offer their credit card info to the nearest person that will show the slightest amount of attention to them if they are needy about something, that's moving a little too fast. That is not the kind of trust you deserve and believe me we've all been the victims of wary trust issues.

Trust is a hard thing to think about after an attack as a child or as an adult survivor of rape, abuse and or incest. Out of all of the struggles I have had to endure in my past I would have to say trusting was one of the hardest issues in my life that I have ever had to deal with and come to terms with on a more positive level. For me NOT Trusting was always my shield against the criminal minds. And then trusting a little too much for anyone else was always my weakness, you have to know the balance, you have to know where and when to balance your trust evenly to make it work right for you. The best advice I can give to you is this, take your time. Trust does not come easy and it must be earned. Trust IS time. Do not trust every single person you come to meet but do not give up on trust in the same sense. It's tough to even talk about. There is a great fear behind trusting someone ever again and you will go through great tribulations and thoughts regarding your need to trust others.

Be a good judge of character for one. Be faithful in yourself. First assumptions are always the best. Sometimes we can meet someone and it feels like we have known that person our whole lives, but if there is doubt in a person it is usually more than often your heart telling you to watch out.

I really do have a heart for those who know trust well and know how to keep it stable. But I know that there are many of us Survivors out there who aren't as protective with it as we think we are or say we are. And then when we finally meet someone in this lifetime we can trust our valves for trusting automatically shut off due to the fact that we've given ourselves to so many people only to be hurt so many more times over and because we are smart, just not always quick witted and that's a good thing because we think, in a way it's as though we play a game of cat and mouse with ourselves. We lose friendships, we lose closeness with family and relatives. Choosing who you trust based on a face or a name has nothing to do with the person standing right in front of you. I can't tell you how many Internet friends I've lost over the years due to trust issues, how much family I lost contact with. It's those you can tell the secrets to and those who will stand by you through and through who are your real friends, family and loved ones. That is when you know who the real ones are.

Trust is earned. But trust is not a negative structure, we make it so ugly of a word because it's tattered and torn. We think we know someone based on a few words on the screen, based on a few phone calls, a few letters a few months, we don't know. And you could say that weighs down on trust very heavily a lot of the time when the act of trust is such a radiant act. It's such a noble loving act, it's a bond between people that goes so deep. When you trust another human being you're almost putting a piece of your life into their hands. That is how sacred it has to be. It's not about "Oh you wanna be my friend, we'll send a few pen pal letters and I'll trust you enough to give you my number so you can call me." Trust is a completely different measurement of the soul, you have to search for it in the eyes of the person you share it with and you'll only know it's working when they stay static with you through all time. They will be the ones who will never hurt you.

I can only give my personal opinion on trust because everyone sees trust as being somewhat a different issue. I've made so many mistakes in my past with people. Giving my insights, my passion, even my body to people out of trust only to be crushed again and again. Do I consider it all a waste of my time? I don't, because if I considered it a waste of my time I would not have learned anything out of it. And you have to learn to accept trusting again into your soul. For the longest time I blocked trust out all together and a lot of us refuse to trust because it's too much. Trusting again comes from within, it can't be forced. It's like trying to pay the electric bill, you ether do or you don't lol. But we hope you do! Radiance in trusting and learning to trust the right way is the most brilliant feeling of all.

Love & Healing, Haullie


Blogger AngrySoul said...

hello, i myself am a victim a sexual abuse. i was victimized for about 10 years of my life and some of my stories are scarier than a horror movie.Last week i decided to start my own blog where i would share some of my stories and some of my current struggles bec. of the abuse. i also recently started trying to find a jewish support group for victims of sexual abuse and couldnt find anything yet. i am looking to find others that share my experiences and pain.i just found this site today as i am new to blog world. i only wrote 3 entries so far in my blog. i am curious to know how it comes off. i am dissapointed in my writing as i am not able to really express the feelings that i went through and am going through...check it out and let me know how it comes off.

January 31, 2006 7:11 PM  
Anonymous said...

I am so glad to see your blog. I am 56 yrs old and a survivor of sexual abuse by my step father from the time I was 8 until I was 16. Trying to find a group that was for Jewish survivors was almost impossible, no one would admit such a thing could happen. I am indeed fortunate that I had extended family and friends plus good therapy when I got to adulthood.
I write about my experiences in my poetry and the novel I am writing.
My prayers and wishes for all going through the process of healing.
Best wishes,

October 13, 2007 5:46 PM  

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