Using the Shidduch System: Is it really safe?
In the orthodox world it is not uncommon for single individuals who are looking for their beshert (soul mate) to use a matchmaker (shadchan). For many this makes dating so much easier, yet for a few, their lives have been changed forever in a negative way.
There have been times that a shadchan neglected to tell a client (either male or female) of their potential dates past criminal record. There are pros and cons about doing this. Everyone deserves a fresh start. If two individuals don't hit it off, there is no need to share everything. One of the problems of doing this is that there have been times that if one person doesn't hit it off with another, one may think of a friend who might be a better possibility. They no longer may use the shadchan, and a friend can end up engaged to someone who could be problematic.
I am aware of situations in which the shadchan (matchmaker) was aware that there were allegations of an individual being physically or sexually violent. Because the shadchan (or the rabbis who support the alleged offender) didn't believe the allegations, an introduction was made with a potential partner. There have been several cases where a couple marry, and an innocent person becomes a new victim of domestic violence, and or their children (male and female) become incest survivors.
After consulting with many survivors of these sorts of situations, I think it's time that we demand that there be a policy that shadchans are required to disclose if a potential mate has a criminal record prior to the introduction, especially when there have been allegations of physical or sexual violence.
There have been times that a shadchan neglected to tell a client (either male or female) of their potential dates past criminal record. There are pros and cons about doing this. Everyone deserves a fresh start. If two individuals don't hit it off, there is no need to share everything. One of the problems of doing this is that there have been times that if one person doesn't hit it off with another, one may think of a friend who might be a better possibility. They no longer may use the shadchan, and a friend can end up engaged to someone who could be problematic.
I am aware of situations in which the shadchan (matchmaker) was aware that there were allegations of an individual being physically or sexually violent. Because the shadchan (or the rabbis who support the alleged offender) didn't believe the allegations, an introduction was made with a potential partner. There have been several cases where a couple marry, and an innocent person becomes a new victim of domestic violence, and or their children (male and female) become incest survivors.
After consulting with many survivors of these sorts of situations, I think it's time that we demand that there be a policy that shadchans are required to disclose if a potential mate has a criminal record prior to the introduction, especially when there have been allegations of physical or sexual violence.
posted by Jewish Survivors at Sunday, September 18, 2005
25 Comments:
I was curious if anyone knows the answer to this question.
If a shadchan is aware that someone is an convicted sex offender or there were allegations of some sort of sexual crime made against someone, isn't the shadchan morally responsible to inform?
Also if the shadchan neglects to tell one their clients about a conviction or the allegations, and something happens, would that make the shadchan liable for damages?
I had the experience of dating a man I met on line. Prior to meeting him I checked out his references. I also asked my rabbi to check him out. I thought he would be ok. I even asked him, and his references if he ever had problems with the law. I'll admit that I asked this jokingly.
After a few dates he told me about his criminal record. I'm very happy he disclosed this information to me, yet I decided not to date him again. The reason had nothing to do with him having a criminal record. The reason had to do with the fact he didn't tell me up front. When I called his references and my rabbi, they all said they knew, but figured it wasn't an issue for him anymore.
I also met a man on line.
I also thought I knew him fairly well, but I still had my rabbi check him out for me.
It ended up that everyone in the town he was from knew that his wife divorced him after the allegations came out that he sexually abused boys in the yeshiva he taught at.
No criminal charges were ever pressed against him. That was because the police were never called. Instead he left his position and moved to a new city.
> If a shadchan is aware that someone
> is an convicted sex offender or
> there were allegations of some sort
> of sexual crime made against
> someone, isn't the shadchan morally
> responsible to inform?
The shadchan is HALACHICALLY obligated to inform. See the introduction the sefer Chafetz Chayim for specific discussion of obligations regarding shidduchim.
"The shadchan is HALACHICALLY obligated to inform. See the introduction the sefer Chafetz Chayim for specific discussion of obligations regarding shidduchim."
If they are obligated to inform, why doesn't it happen?
Allegations are meaningless. In fact, the existence of allegations against someone does not grant the right to relate that information to other people (within the scope of the halachot of "evil speech").
Most people believe that a person is innocent until proven guilty (although the owner of this blog seems to disagree).
That being said, if there is proof (not just allegations) that a person has committed any crime (sexual or otherwise), anyone possessing this information is obligated to share this information with people who may be at risk due to their relationship (personal, business, educational, etc.) with the guilty person.
-MP
Rabbi Pam,
I have a gread Shidduch for you. I've had several people check him out. He was never convicted of a crime, but there is some controversy surrounding him.
He's also a rabbi. He's also been all over the world. He's an author. I think you'll like him. One of his famous works is called "The Torah of Desire". Let me know if your interested. Remember it's only allegations.
Thanks for the offer, but I'm quite happily married.
The Torah is full of people who were accused falsely. One good example is Potiphar's wife who accused Joseph of sexual abuse. As we all know, Potiphar's wife was the real sexual predator and Joseph was the victim. Yet, based on your "logic", Joseph is guilty for the mere reason that he was accused of a crime.
People on this website seem to equate accusations with guilt, which is anti-Jewish and anti-American (since both Judaism and the American justice system do not find a person guilty based on allegations alone).
"People on this website seem to equate accusations with guilt, which is anti-Jewish and anti-American (since both Judaism and the American justice system do not find a person guilty based on allegations alone)."
I'm sure that your buddies Mark Gafni and Mordechai Tendler are innocent. Who cares if Gafni confessed to having relations with a minor?
Does it mean anything that Tendler was kicked out of the RCA? How many times has a rabbi had his membership revoked?
I know that not even Rabbi Ephraim Bryks had his membership terminated. He resigned before they had a chance.
I'm sure all three of them would be great as a date.
If the Rabbis that you mention have been found guilty based on evidence in a competent judicial setting (American court, Jewish court, Israeli court, etc), then the allegations are no longer "allegations" - they are FACTS.
Unproven allegations are meaningless. All rational people understand that a person is innocent until proven guilty (and an allegation alone is not proof). Jewish and American law demand nothing less.
Websites like this one have tremendous potential to help those who are actual victims of abuse. However, the presence of certain participants who appear to have a rather fanatical approach (the allegation=guilt mentality) undermines the credibility of the cause.
How would you feel if someone made a false allegation against you or your spouse? Would you want everyone to jump to conclusions based on allegations alone? I doubt it.
Shanah Tovah to everyone.
Rabbi Pam,
how about doing a background check on a rabbi who runs a jewish outreach organization?
I'm sure he's someone you would want your daughter to date. He's even a cohen.
Rabbi Pam,
"Websites like this one have tremendous potential to help those who are actual victims of abuse."
Have you taken the time out to do some research on the topic?
If you did you would understand that only 16% of all cases that go to court are found guilty. Do you know the reasons for this?
Can you give us the definition of what an "actual victim is"?
Also can you explain why most survivors don't come forward and press charges against their offenders, and also why mosst survivors don't use the rabbinical courts when there are crimes of the sexual nature?
(((((Jewish Whistle Blower)))))) Thank you so much. I couldn't have said it better.
Jewish Whistle Blower has done a splended job of proving my earlier statement:
>The presence of certain participants
>who appear to have a rather fanatical
>approach (the allegation=guilt
>mentality) undermines the credibility
>of the cause."
The blog linked in his/her personal profile is further evidence of this fact. The comments on the blog are also rather disturbing.
Certain parts of his/her post are particularly revealing of his/her inability to approach this topic rationally:
>No one has [made false allegations
>against him/her]. Guess why?
>a. I don't put myself in a position
>where I can be accused of such
>behavior.
>b. I don't engage in such behavior.
You really don't "get it". A person does not need to be in a position to be accused by a false accuser. A false accuser, by their very nature, plays by no rules. Your "behavior" has little to do with the matter when a false accuser decides to attack you.
For the sake of argument (only), I am accusing you of sexual abuse. There, now you have been accused. Did you do anything wrong? (no) Should your neighbors hesitate to allow their kids to play at your house? (no) Will it be difficult for you to defend yourself against very explicit charges that lack enough substance (times/dates/places/etc) for you to effectively defend yourself? (yes)
Whistleblower's comments on the relevant halachot also expose his/her need to properly (and impartially) research the subject. I highly recommend studying the CCAR guidelines that are taught in the rabbinical school Social Work/Counseling curriculum.
There are plenty of evil people in this world who engage in sexual abuse. Society must be protected from those individuals. However, we must recognize that false allegations occur. To conclude that every person who has been accused is guilty (without any form of judicial process) is immoral and against Jewish/American law. Clergy, in particular, are easy targets for sick people who have a grudge against a rabbi/priest, a particular religion, or against religion in general.
Until members of this website begin to understand the different between allegations and guilt, no one will take you seriously.
The web has tremendous potential to help actual victims. However, this website does a disservice to the cause due to the fanatacism that is found here, due to a mere few individuals (apparently).
As we approach Rosh Hashana, a time of special healing and repentence, let us all hope for universal peace and healing and the end of abuse of all types.
Rabbi Pam,
Please tell us all about the excellent job you have done on the investigation of your buddy Mordechai Winyarz?
I'm sure that you decided he wasn't a danger, since your rabbinic organization has never made a public statement regarding this matter. Just in case you were not aware, he made the following statement of his relationship with one of his survivors. He called it a loving relationship, and she called it sexual assault.
Marc Gafni: "I was a stupid kid and we were in love," the rabbi said. "She was 14 going on 35, and I never forced her"
Here's a case that was investigated by the CCAR.
http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/Mayersohn_Michael.html
"After the three-member ethics committee's investigating team looked into the case, the panel in June 2003 said in a report to Gold that Hogue's charge "cannot be clearly confirmed or denied," but that it was "troubling to dismiss her experience here as having been entirely imagined."
Though the panel could not prove Mayersohn was guilty of any ethical lapse, it maintained that "there is an indication of a rabbi in need of some kind of support and/or training."
The panel found there was sufficient evidence Mayersohn had "exercised poor judgment" in his dealings with Hogue and in August voted to censure him. That was less than the gravest possible penalties — expulsion or suspension — but more serious than a letter of reprimand.
Under the Reform code of ethics, a reprimand remains the least serious form of punishment. It takes the form of a private letter to the rabbi involved.
By being censured, Mayersohn was required to undergo psychological evaluation, therapy and counseling for teshuvah, or repentance."
So what happens the next time?
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From a 1998 Berkley letter:
...
He has misused his position of editor of JCN to allow anti-Semitic extremism to be spread via this "Network" and to engage in petty personal vendettas, and
campaigns of underhanded dirty tricks. He has published and allowed to be reprinted scurrilous and libelous materials. He has used the hard copy sister newspaper ("Jewish Ink") of JCN to launch an underhanded and dishonest
hatchet attack on a poster to the forums of JCN, a man who is a Holocaust survivor (and obviously had no chance to respond to Yanover's slurs). He posted a deliberately misleading and dishonest slur piece on his web site against a professor who frequently posts to JCN forums. And he attacked Jonathan Pollard in nasty tones, which induced Pollard to circulate a letter
labeling Yanover as "intellectually vacuous and total lacking in morality".
...
As part of Yanover's JCN activities, he sponsors a forum that is run by one Walter Ruby. Ruby is an anti-Zionist leftist and follower of Tikkun's Michael Lerner. This forum has long been an arena dominated by non-Jewish
anti-Semites, posting a variety of anti-Jewish and anti-Israel materials.
The "monitor" of this forum for anti-Semites and skinheads is Ruby, whom Yanover claims to be a "veteran journalist". In fact Ruby is a writer for a Long Island Jewish weekly. In a computer bibliographic search of the popular press just completed, only two pieces by Ruby turned up, both being book reviews in the Mother Jones magazine (the Tikkun of the gentiles). In a
representative recent statement, Ruby understood, validated and justified the calls by Palestinians to Iraq to commit genocide by dropping poison gas on Israeli Jews because Ruby feels Israel is not making enough concessions to the PLO.
...
http://www.afsi.org/OUTPOST/98JUN/jun9.htm as
Spotlight on the Extremists
...Yori Yanover, owner and editor of the "Jewish Communications Network," is quickly gaining a reputation as one of the most extreme and irresponsible voices on the internet. Excerpts from recent postings by Yanover on his web site: "Palestinian terror, acts of terror are usually the weapon of the weak side in any struggle. The strong side has governments and parliaments and courts and armies" ... "The Golda Meir government was a sickening exercise in hypocrisy, lies, robbery of conquered minorities, direct theft of national treasures, and a record-setting self-righteousness" ... "If we're looking for a true culprit in the Rabin assassination, I propose Religious Zionism, as a political concept and as the morbidly fascistic approach to Judaism." Among other things, Yanover's Network sponsors a forum run by Walter Ruby, a leftwing journalist (Long Island Jewish World) and longtime Peace Now activist who is apparently not fazed by Yanover's rantings...
Walter Ruby on Yanover:
#51968 Walter Wed Jun 14 13:31:51 US/Central 2000
I just set the following letter to Yori Yanover, an old friend who runs a fine Internet news service usajewish.com. What is doing and writing on his web site about the situation in Russia in recent days, however, is not fine at all. By sending him this letter, I may have just lost and old friend, who was one of the founders of JCN--where I had a discussion forum before we founded Encounter, but some issues are bigger than friendship.
In linking and printing on the front page of yesterday's USAJewish with explanatory coment the letter from the Federation of the Jewish Communities of Russia as well as the letter from Rabbi Berl Lazar as the "Chief Rabbi of Russia" appealing for Vladmiri Gusinsky to be freed from prison, my friend Yori Yanover is acting as a Chabad propagandist and not as an honest journalist. The readers of USAJewish may not be aware that the Federation of Jewish Communities--a Chabad group pure and simple--proclaimed Lazar as chief rabbi last week despite the fact that there already is a chief rabbi, Adolph Shayevitch, who is recognized by all Russian Jewish communities and congregations except Chabad ones. Yanover also neglects to mention that Lazar and Chabad have done everything they can for years to undercut the power of the Russian Jewish Congress of which Gusinsky is president; that Lazar and Chabad obsequiously praised Putin despite his growing repression of democracy and despite the fact that Chabad's patron and Gusinsky enemy Boris Berezovsky ran a blatantly anti-Semitic news report on his television network ORT during the presidential campaign. In that context, the statements that Yori proints without comment are a classic case of corcodile tears and tuches-covering on the part of Chabad-Russia which will not fool anyone who is aware of what has really been going on. I am really disgusted by Yanover's dishonest reporting of this issue and his support for a Chabad effort that endangers the welfare of the Jews of Russia. Might it have something to do with Yanover's other job--as a paid employee of Chabad-Lubavitch?
Walter Ruby
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Rabbi Pam,
I don't even know if I can trust that you are actually a rabbi.
This is the first time I am posting to this blog. You want to know the reason why I haven't until now? It's because I'm afraid I'll be attacked by people like you. I've had to deal with enough in my life. I want a place I can say what's on my mind. I'm so sick and tired of being harassed by people like you. I am an incest survivor. My offender was my father. He is a rabbi. Do you know what it's like to be in my position? Who will people believe? Me or him? Does my voice matter? I think it does.
Rabbi Pam -- go away, we don't want you here. Go preach to your congregation all you want, but leave this blog alone. I call it home, and you are not invited.
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It looks like Rabbi Pam is one of the first/only professionals (counsleing abuse victims in the Jewish community) who have posted here. It is too bad that she was chased away.
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