Tanya's Letter
The following letter was sent to me from "Tanya."
The first letter she wrote to a rabbi. The second is the response she received back.
Tanya said after receiving the letter from the rabbi she felt so turned off that she quit looking into Judaism. A few months ago she married someone who is not Jewish, and is feeling confused. She asked me to share both letters with you for feedback. I will forward all response to her.
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Dear Rabbi (name withheld),
I am writing you this letter since I've heard that you are a Torah Scholar.
I have been on a spiritual quest for many years, but there is something that keeps getting in my way of connecting. It is the fact that I am an incest survivor.
It seems that every time I feel comfortable enough with a rabbi and disclose my childhood to them, they run the other way. I know I'm not the only Jewish survivor who has had this experience. There has to be a place somewhere that will accept Jewish incest survivors, and help them understand the concept of God.
I am Jewish, yet grew up with nothing. I tried many times trying to connect with Judaism, but I feel nothing. I read a lot of books, gone to seminars and classes. I still feel no connection. Maybe I'm too angry to be open to the philosophy behind Judaism? The thing is that I don't feel angry.
You have to understand something. When you are a survivor of childhood abuse, actions speak so much louder then words. When your father tells you he loves you, and then rapes you, what meaning does a word have?
Over the last several years I've been in therapy and have done so much healing. When it comes to anything Jewishly I'm at a loss. It's strange to say that my spiritual identity comes form the women's movement and "pop psychology."
When I go to workshops on Judaism in an orthodox setting, I feel that the things that are important to me are bashed by rabbis. I've come to a point that I'm ready to just give up on my Jewish identity. It has brought me nothing but pain. The only time in my life I ever felt a connection to anything spiritual was while I was on a vacation with friends and spent a few hours at the Kotel.
If my problem has to do with my anger, what am I supposed to do? If your parents are supposed to be your model of who God is, I can't have anything to do with it. How can someone worship a deity, who is perceived as being evil? I've asked many rabbis to explain this to me, and everyone tells me I have to talk to a Torah scholar, yet no one knows of one who can answer my questions. I thought perhaps someone at ________ can explain this to me.
Sincerely,
Tanya
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Response:
Dear Tanya,
I feel for your pain very much, and deeply admire your persistence and honesty in your spiritual quest. I hesitate to try and respond to you in writing as the written word can be very cold. But they are being written with much warmth and concern.
You are 100% right on. You say that you're problem has to do with your anger. (amongst many more emotions I can imagine). That's it. You have to let go! Holocaust survivors have to let go, I know you can do it too. If you ease your anger you will be able to see that words do mean everything. Because your father said I love you and did terrible things to you does not take away from the meaning of the word love. I am sure that you love someone. I am sure that you know people, even men who love their children. Love means love.
Granted you don't have a personal model of a loving father, but if you visit enough Jewish homes you will find dozens of role models of a loving father. It won't compensate you for your lack of a loving father, but it will enable you to live with a concept of a loving Gd. A loving Gd is exactly that, consistently loving with no limits and all powerful.
It is a terrible thing that when you get comfortable with a Rabbi and you confide in him he runs away. I assure that I won't run. But may I suggest that you try a woman teacher. They are more likely to be able to take your deep emotions and anger.
I have thank Gd ___ grown children, __ girls and __ boys. My daughters are as precious to me, maybe more so than my boys. I assure that our Gd loves his daughters as much as his sons, and Judaism has everything that you are looking for. Keep looking and you will be helped to find it by your loving Gd.
Please feel free to be in touch.
The first letter she wrote to a rabbi. The second is the response she received back.
Tanya said after receiving the letter from the rabbi she felt so turned off that she quit looking into Judaism. A few months ago she married someone who is not Jewish, and is feeling confused. She asked me to share both letters with you for feedback. I will forward all response to her.
-------
Dear Rabbi (name withheld),
I am writing you this letter since I've heard that you are a Torah Scholar.
I have been on a spiritual quest for many years, but there is something that keeps getting in my way of connecting. It is the fact that I am an incest survivor.
It seems that every time I feel comfortable enough with a rabbi and disclose my childhood to them, they run the other way. I know I'm not the only Jewish survivor who has had this experience. There has to be a place somewhere that will accept Jewish incest survivors, and help them understand the concept of God.
I am Jewish, yet grew up with nothing. I tried many times trying to connect with Judaism, but I feel nothing. I read a lot of books, gone to seminars and classes. I still feel no connection. Maybe I'm too angry to be open to the philosophy behind Judaism? The thing is that I don't feel angry.
You have to understand something. When you are a survivor of childhood abuse, actions speak so much louder then words. When your father tells you he loves you, and then rapes you, what meaning does a word have?
Over the last several years I've been in therapy and have done so much healing. When it comes to anything Jewishly I'm at a loss. It's strange to say that my spiritual identity comes form the women's movement and "pop psychology."
When I go to workshops on Judaism in an orthodox setting, I feel that the things that are important to me are bashed by rabbis. I've come to a point that I'm ready to just give up on my Jewish identity. It has brought me nothing but pain. The only time in my life I ever felt a connection to anything spiritual was while I was on a vacation with friends and spent a few hours at the Kotel.
If my problem has to do with my anger, what am I supposed to do? If your parents are supposed to be your model of who God is, I can't have anything to do with it. How can someone worship a deity, who is perceived as being evil? I've asked many rabbis to explain this to me, and everyone tells me I have to talk to a Torah scholar, yet no one knows of one who can answer my questions. I thought perhaps someone at ________ can explain this to me.
Sincerely,
Tanya
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Response:
Dear Tanya,
I feel for your pain very much, and deeply admire your persistence and honesty in your spiritual quest. I hesitate to try and respond to you in writing as the written word can be very cold. But they are being written with much warmth and concern.
You are 100% right on. You say that you're problem has to do with your anger. (amongst many more emotions I can imagine). That's it. You have to let go! Holocaust survivors have to let go, I know you can do it too. If you ease your anger you will be able to see that words do mean everything. Because your father said I love you and did terrible things to you does not take away from the meaning of the word love. I am sure that you love someone. I am sure that you know people, even men who love their children. Love means love.
Granted you don't have a personal model of a loving father, but if you visit enough Jewish homes you will find dozens of role models of a loving father. It won't compensate you for your lack of a loving father, but it will enable you to live with a concept of a loving Gd. A loving Gd is exactly that, consistently loving with no limits and all powerful.
It is a terrible thing that when you get comfortable with a Rabbi and you confide in him he runs away. I assure that I won't run. But may I suggest that you try a woman teacher. They are more likely to be able to take your deep emotions and anger.
I have thank Gd ___ grown children, __ girls and __ boys. My daughters are as precious to me, maybe more so than my boys. I assure that our Gd loves his daughters as much as his sons, and Judaism has everything that you are looking for. Keep looking and you will be helped to find it by your loving Gd.
Please feel free to be in touch.
posted by Jewish Survivors at Saturday, August 13, 2005
1 Comments:
Tanya,
I read what the rabbi wrote, and it's obvious he is clueless. I think I would have been angry too.
I hate going to people's homes for shabbos when there's kids there. I get jealous of what I don't have. I mean loving parents.
Also I don't know of any holocaust survivors who just let their anger go. What the ---- is that rabbi talking about.
It makes sense to embrace your anger, and to learn from it. But anger like any other emotion is important. You have a right to be angry.
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