Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Anniversary of a Rape

Soon it will be the first anniversary of the day I was date raped. I am reflecting back and getting depressed. How do I commemorate such a horrible experience? How do I move beyond? I am also an incest survivor. sometimes I feel like I'll never be normal. Like there's a huge wall standing between me and the rest of the world. Some other survivors understand this. It's as if we passed over to another world and everyone else is behind a thick glass wall.

The rape destroyed the fragile hope I had been nurturing in my heart. It proved to me that I can never trust anyone. That if anyone expresses interest or love to me, it's just because they want to use me.

4 Comments:

Blogger frumguy said...

during the three weeks before Tish B'Av we increasingly fear the time when G-d permitted the destruction of the Holy Temple. The Talmud relates that we should feel fear increasing each day as we get closer. We mourn the destruction and tragedy. The Jewish Communities' willingness to turn their back on the survivors should be mourned as well. By our silence we have become a part of the problem. When Rabbi Klass of the Jewish Press (and many others) choose to attack and blame the victims of abuse - we all share in his guilt and evil actions. Those of us with the power to act have an obligation to do so or else we effectively become part of the evil. Approaching the day of tragedy we feel pain each day and pray that Hashem will lead us from the darkness.

June 16, 2005 6:46 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

Mara,

I'm so sorry that you were raped. Regarding your upcoming "anniversary" I have some suggestions. They may or may hot fit you and who you are.

Perhpas you could plan to spend time with a safe friend, someone with whom you will be comfortable talking (even if only for a few minutes) about your feelings, whatever they are on that day.

Maybe you could go for a walk with someone at a favorite place.

Or - if mikvah is a positive image for you, maybe you could find one where you live and immerse in it. There are some lovely rituals for healing from rape (using mikvah and not using mikvah) on ritualwell.org

If you are in need of someone to talk to, email me at shalom.blog@gmail.com

Wishing you strength, courage and hope.

June 16, 2005 8:32 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

Mara - I meant to leave you my blog address as well (I too am a survivor).
http://survivorthriver.blogspot.com

June 16, 2005 8:33 AM  
Blogger BetterNow said...

Mara, Many of us DO feel that we are, as you describe, set apart and watching the others through a thick glass wall. But if you look around on "our" side of the wall you will see that you are not alone and that you are surrounded by people who undersatnd and care and love you for just being there with them. I, for one, am encouraged by you and your story, as horrible as it may be. And I am grateful to you that you can share your pain and help me share mine. It helps us all.

You may also find some comfort in knowing that there are others on the other side of the wall who have finally discovered that the wall exists. And they care.

Nothing can erase what happened to you, or me, or the countless other survivors. But we are not alone. And that keeps me going.

Good luck. I wish you every comfort that any of us can imagine.

June 16, 2005 10:32 AM  

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