Sunday, April 10, 2005

Incest: Is it more then just a Family Affair?

It's been many years since I've seen my family.

In my dreams we have a happy and healthy relationship.

The problem is that when I wake up the reality is there.

My family is toxic. I'm sure that's not their intention. They say things to me that make me believe they wish I was dead. I always think about suicide after a visit with them. At least I've had a great deal of therapy that has helped me to separate out their stuff from mine.

Why would I still want to be near them? I long for my mom to hug me. I long for one of the long intellectual conversations I would have with my dad. I miss all of my siblings, the fun things we would do together or reminiscing about silly things.

I remember a friend who is a therapist telling me that the most severely abused child will only want to go back home, even if it means they are raped and tortured. Home is what is normal to them. Who wouldn't want what you know as normal?

On my parents and siblings birthdays I long to see them. I long to go out to dinner with them, sing happy birthday, and watch them blow out the candles on their cake. How I would love to be with my mother on Mother's Day, and my father on Father's Day. It's gotten to the point that it's too toxic to call them to do that. It's just so sad and painful.

When someone in my family has a crisis their lives I want to be there. I want to hold their hand if they are hospitalized before and after surgery.

When someone in my family gets married or has a child, I want to be there too. I'm absent for bar and bat mitzvahs too.

In my dreams I am there. I get to sing and dance with them. We have the most loving, caring relationships. Then I wake up to the reality of my life, the reality of my childhood. Years ago I had dreams that we could work it all out, and have that happy healthy family. The problem is my family would also have to want it, and they don't.


Blogger Naomi said...

Boy, can I relate!

April 11, 2005 11:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me too!

April 11, 2005 3:54 PM  

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