Thursday, April 28, 2005

Being a Rape Survivor and Dating can be so confusing!

The following was written by a friend of mine, and I wanted to share it with you.

I was sexually assaulted by a friend a few years ago. We met at a Jewish fundraising event. We were nothing more then friends. He had been over to my home zillions of times and never made a move on me. Then one day he came over and raped me.

I've had an extremely difficult time trusting someone enough to date them. I've dated a few other Jewish guys since the assault, yet they were emotionally abusive towards me. I recently have gotten involved with a guy who's not Jewish. He's so loving and kind, yet I have mixed feelings about this relationship. I think he's someone I could see spending the rest of my life with, but he's not Jewish. Neither one of us is religious, and we figure we don't need to bring God into the picture when raising children.

I'll admit I'm getting pressure from my mom to break it off. She keeps telling me about the holocaust and that's why I need to marry someone Jewish. My mom doesn't know about the sexual assault. I would never tell her. I have such a strong aversion to dating Jewish men. HELP!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

April 28, 2005 2:57 PM, Mara said...

I totally feel for you. I was in a similar situation, as I blogged about previously. I was date raped by a jewish man and after I dated a Christian. I ended up breaking up bc our beliefs were too different (he's a religious christian and I just don't believe in jesus). Now I'm dating a non-religious jewish guy. The trauma from date or acquantance rape is horrible. It makes you just want to go far away from anyone resembling the rapist in any way. If you are not already in therapy, this is important to get help get over the trauma. it is a long long process and very painful. may you find the strength you need to make the right decision for you.

May 02, 2005 7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

April 28, 2005 3:15 PM, Anonymous said...

Thanks Mara,
I am in therapy. My biggest problem now is my parents. I really love the guy I'm dating right now, but he's not Jewish.

Have you also had the same problem with dating Jewish guys? I'm so sick and tired of being treated like dirt. When I've dated non-Jews that was never an issue.

May 02, 2005 7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

April 28, 2005 3:18 PM,

Hi Anonymous,
Have you spoken to a rabbi about your issues? If you haven't maybe find one. I'm sure he could help you understand why it's not a good idea to get married to someone not Jewish.

Do you think the guy you are dating now would consider converting?

May 02, 2005 7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

April 28, 2005 3:55 PM, Anonymous said...

Hi. First, let me say that I am so sorry this has happened to you. You did nothing wrong and did nothing to cause this.
Please know that not all Jewish men behave so badly. How do I know this? I too am a survivor of date rape by a "nice Jewish boy" but I have also had the blessing of dating some wonderful Jewish men.
I understand your issues with trust and I suggest you continue to work on them in therapy and by talking with friends and this website.
One more thing, I encourage you to talk with your rabbi. I hope that s/he will be understanding. More rabbis than you know have, like us, been victims and are now survivors of date rape.
Wishing you strength and courage,

May 02, 2005 7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At April 28, 2005 8:34 PM, Mara said...

I also have a problem with my parents. I didn't tell them about the christian guy I dated bc I know they be upset and try to make me break up. I didn't either tell them about the current guy I'm seeing for the same reason. I know it's uncomfortable when your parents pressure you (mine do!) but it is your life and you have the right to make the decisions without being harrassed.

All Jewish guys are not the same. I found that guys from a more secular background tended to treat me better than guys from a more religious background. That doesn't mean that all religious guys treat women poorly, it was just my experience. It seems like your experience is that all jewish guys treat you like dirt. You deserve to be treated with dignity and it's great that you found a boyfriend who's treating you properly.

You wrote: "He's so loving and kind, yet I have mixed feelings about this relationship." are the mixed feelings only due to your parent's pressure or do you feel conflicted about marrying someone not jewish? religion is a big thing, even if neither of you is practicing at the moment. at a later date, your or his feelings toward religion may change and that could come between you. you owe it to yourself to be fully comfortable with the fact he's not jewish before committing to marriage. At April 28, 2005 9:34 PM, Anonymous said...

My conflict comes from my parents, mostly my mom. Her mother was a holocaust survivor.

I never really had much of a Jewish education, so religion isn't a high priority in my life.

My boyfriend and I have discussed either not ever introducing religion into the lives of our children (if we get married), or letting them learn about both, and letting the children decide for themselves when they are old enough. I have friends who have done both. At April 29, 2005 6:45 PM, Anonymous said...

At April 28, 2005 9:35 PM,

FYI: I don't have a rabbi. I don't know if I would ever feel comfortable discussing my personal life with one. At April 29, 2005 6:45 PM, Anonymous said...

At April 29, 2005 7:40 AM, Anonymous said...

I just finished reading James McBrides "The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White (Jewish) Mother".

A very interesting book. His mother grew up in the South, the daughter of an Orthodox rabbi who sexually molested her. She fled to New York, married a black man and raised twelve children who all went on to college.

May 02, 2005 7:48 PM  

<< Home