Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Please Abuse Me

Please abuse me
you taught me that is how I can be seen
and I need you to see me

Please abuse me
I need to be touched
and even though it hurts
it is better than nothing

Please abuse me
that is how you know how to love
and I need you to love me

Please abuse me
you taught me that pleasure comes with
pain and shame and humiliation
and I want to feel desired

Please abuse me
so that I will know that I am special to you
at least in some way

Please abuse me
when you molest me I feel pleasure and shame
pain and and rage
I feel alive
and more than anything
I want to exist

Please abuse me
and then kill me
so I won't have to grow up with your lessons of abuse
and suffer years trying desperately
to unlearn them


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Am not sure how to respond, this was difficult to read (not a criticism, just giving my response).

You've put words to an aspect of the psyche that I've only just finally faced over the past several months, and I want it to be a million years behind me.

Also, it makes me feel like responding in horror and scream "take it down!" --- because it's the kind of thing the rabbi who abused me would get off on.

"you taught me that pleasure comes with
pain and shame and humiliation...."

Good God, were we manipulated/abused by the same rabbi I wonder???!

He once 'boasted' how "women who've been abused as children are attracted to me like bees to honey."

He sees himself, I'm sure, as fulfilling a need.

This is a shocking, revealing, and powerful poem---you're so brave to post it here.

Yet, knowing if he reads it, it will sexually excite him, makes me troubled.

March 30, 2005 1:39 PM  
Blogger Naomi said...

Gosh, I don't know what to do. I certainly don't intend for any abusers to get off on this poem. When I read it again I just feel sad. How can someone "get off" on this?? I am just trying to adress the issue of revictimization and why it sometimes seems to happen over and over to survivors. Are thier others who would like me to remove this post? Let's have some more feedback please.

March 30, 2005 4:04 PM  
Blogger Naomi said...

I'm thinking out loud here. Would it help if I put the word "father" before each "please"? It was my father who taught me these awful lessons and I don't know, but maybe that makes it harder to get excited about. Doesn't the last part make it clear how damaging this abuse is..."please abuse me and then kill me.."?

March 30, 2005 4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa! What a powerful, disturbing poem. I have no personal experience with this kind of thing, but that sure was a powerful poem.

March 30, 2005 4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could have easily written this poem. Every word of it is true for me. Thank you for expressing it.

March 31, 2005 10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(reposted deleted comment):

No, it wasn't meant as a request to take it down at all. It's a powerful poem.

March 31, 2005 6:18 PM  
Anonymous Adam Jessel said...

This poem is so power, and frightening.

I was especially moved by the verse, "...I feel alive
and more than anything
I want to exist"

I work mostly with men who are struggling with unwanted sexual attractions to other men. Many of them, even those who weren't sexually abused as children, have a compulsive drive to anonymous and degrading homosexual acting out because, they say, it is the only way they can feel alive.

I would like to share this poem with them, and post it to a related discussion list. How should I source it? Just "©(2005) Naomi"?

April 02, 2005 12:05 PM  
Blogger Naomi said...

Yes. That's fine. I'm glad if it can help others in their recovery.

April 02, 2005 6:39 PM  

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