Friday, March 25, 2005

I Purim

Purim brings up lots of stuff for me. Bad memories. Good memories. Confusion. I remember as a child waking up in the morning and running down stairs with my siblings to see what my mother had prepared for us in our personalized "shalach manot" baskets. One year she baked a whole lemon pie just for me because she knew how much I liked it!
My father got drunk every year and acted happy and crazy and wild. We thought it was funny and exciting, but it was also disturbing and sometimes scary. Once he gave my little sister a cigarette to inhale. She coughed and cried and couldn't catch her breath. He would have my mom drive him around the neighborhood delivering mishloach manot and we would tag along to laugh at his antics. He got a lot of attention. Everyone liked him. I wanted to be liked too. But as usual, it was all about him. I did not exist as a person seperate from my family.
I always hoped something would change on purim. On purim anything was possible. On purim things were topsy turvey so maby something would change for me and the pain inside would go away. There was always a huge let down when it was over and everything was still the same. I miss my family. I them and never want to see them again. I miss them terribly....

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also have mixed memories, and I also miss my family. No matter how toxic they are, I miss them.

It's emotionally and psychologically dangerous for me to be around them. Yet I still yearn to be near them. Especially around holidays.

I always wonder how I'll be when I hear that one of my parents died. The odds are I won't know for weeks? months? years? after they passed away.

March 25, 2005 11:34 AM  
Blogger Naomi said...

I don't know why the four letter word that starts with H was cut out of my post. I wrote, "I purim. I my family and I miss them."

March 25, 2005 4:40 PM  
Blogger Naomi said...

There, same thing. the word H---was cut off again. Oh well, if you can't guess the word let me know.

March 25, 2005 4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who is this psycho? She needs a lot of help.

March 27, 2005 3:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear enabler/supporter or actual predator who left that rude comment:

The last laugh will be on you.

The voices contributing to this blog grow stronger by the day.

Your puny attempt at 'attack' is laughable.
Whichever rabbi/predator you're protecting, their days are numbered, so prepare to go down with them by association.

March 27, 2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger Mara said...

To the anonymous person who said, "who is this psycho?" ---

The real psycho is you. Go F U C K yourself.

March 28, 2005 8:27 PM  

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