Having a Hard Time
I wish I could agree with my mother who said, "It's what you choose to dwell on," when I tried to tell her about the things that hurt me when I was a child. I wished she were right and that I could just make it all go away by focusing on the good things. It didn't work then, and it doesn't work now. The abuse continues to affect my life in so many ways.
I wish I could change my history. I never wanted this. I never wanted to be - d by my father and molested by yeshiva students. I want to change it, deny it, make it disappear. My family seems to do it so easily, why can't I? Will my family ever see me as a real person? Will they ever even speak to me again? When will the pain end?
I had to choose to die inside and be the way my family wanted me to be, or to live and acknowledge the abuse, and exist to myself. I chose myself and I lost my family.
I laugh when I read posts by people who protect abusers threatening hell in the afterlife for people who dare to speak ill of thier sick perverted rabbi's.
I know what hell is. I have already spent years there. Hell is gut wrenching, heart - ing, grief that makes you curl up in pain. Hell is helpless mind numbing shame, so strong you are compelled to kill yourself. Depression so severe that you can't get out of bed or stop crying. Self hatred so strong you want to cut and burn yourself. Hell is looking at yourself and seeing only crumbled cookies. No self to look at. Hell is psychological pain stronger than any physical pain imaginable. Hell is being told that you are not even good enough to be a survivor, that nothing ever happened to you. That all your feelings and experiences are fabrications of your sick mind. That at best you don't exist, at worst you are sick and evil.
I will never trust a Rabbi again. What do I teach my own children when I don't even know myself what I believe about Judaism and God?
I wish I could change my history. I never wanted this. I never wanted to be - d by my father and molested by yeshiva students. I want to change it, deny it, make it disappear. My family seems to do it so easily, why can't I? Will my family ever see me as a real person? Will they ever even speak to me again? When will the pain end?
I had to choose to die inside and be the way my family wanted me to be, or to live and acknowledge the abuse, and exist to myself. I chose myself and I lost my family.
I laugh when I read posts by people who protect abusers threatening hell in the afterlife for people who dare to speak ill of thier sick perverted rabbi's.
I know what hell is. I have already spent years there. Hell is gut wrenching, heart - ing, grief that makes you curl up in pain. Hell is helpless mind numbing shame, so strong you are compelled to kill yourself. Depression so severe that you can't get out of bed or stop crying. Self hatred so strong you want to cut and burn yourself. Hell is looking at yourself and seeing only crumbled cookies. No self to look at. Hell is psychological pain stronger than any physical pain imaginable. Hell is being told that you are not even good enough to be a survivor, that nothing ever happened to you. That all your feelings and experiences are fabrications of your sick mind. That at best you don't exist, at worst you are sick and evil.
I will never trust a Rabbi again. What do I teach my own children when I don't even know myself what I believe about Judaism and God?
posted by Anonymous at Tuesday, March 29, 2005
5 Comments:
Naomi,
I want you to know that you are loved and appreciated. I don't know you but I read your words and you sound so much like me. I hear you, and respect you. I wish we could all get together once a week and just know we are not alone, and we have each other.
Hi Naomi,
I can also relate to everything you said. Reading everything on the whistleblower blog is so upsetting. When I read everything there on the Tendler case, I feel like I'm reliving my own life. The people and organization may be different, but the responses are the same. You have to start to wonder what will it take to educate these people to stop being such idiots. It sickens me so much. I know your pain, and I also know the pain that the Tendler survivors are enduring. I wish there was something we could all do to make it easier.
Hi Naomi,
Just to also add a note that you aren't alone, and every word you write resonates with me too.
"I wish I could agree with my mother who said, "It's what you choose to dwell on," when I tried to tell her about the things that hurt me when I was a child. I wished she were right and that I could just make it all go away by focusing on the good things. It didn't work then, and it doesn't work now. The abuse continues to affect my life in so many ways."
A few more thoughts....
I have learned, that when people make comments like that, it has more to do with their own issues; they are uncomfortable having to consider that some of their views/perceptions of the abuser may have to be altered.
What people don't realize, though, is that even with or after much therapy, there is always an ongoing struggle to frequently just "be" in this world. To move forward and be a productive person in spite of fears, anxieties, battles with depression. Others simply don't realize how hard this is so much of the time. I've often envied people who seem able to just go about a day, fully being in the moment, without so much internal wrestling.
I keep hearing that these certain experiences will just make us stronger and more compassionate people. I feel that to be true, but wish it also came without the crippling anxieties, depressions.
I'm so happy this blog is here, and everyone is talking. On the nights I'm feeling so alone and depressed, I come here and read everything. It reminds me I'm not alone. It's so easy to forget that.
Naomi, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.
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