Thursday, March 31, 2005

Feeling jealous and hopeless

Does anyone out there really care about how I feel? Well, if you don't you don't have to read this. I am writing it because there's no one I can talk to about this. I am jealous of people who have good things in their life such as a spouse, a good job, a nice place to live, money. I feel like I will never get any of these. I am escpecially jealous of a good friend of mine who had very good fortune as of late.

There it is. I am really feeling very hopeless since I was date raped. A commenter on a previous post said, "just follow the laws of yichud and you'll be ok". I don't keep yichud. I was raped. Oh well, I guess it's my fault. But the christian guy, he didn't rape me. It only happened with the creepy jewish guy. I don't think keeping yichud is an assurance against not getting raped. I don't either think that not keeping yichud will definitely get you raped. There is no assurance against not getting raped. It's a dangerous world. Most people are raped by someone they know. it's called date rape or acquaintance rape. Most rapists get off scott free. The survivors are left to pick up the pieces.

Is it my fault I was raped? I can't seem to shake that feeling. I feel like I wasn't protecting myself properly. I didn't fight back, I just froze. It was easier to dissociate and think "let this just be over already". Why didn't I push him away? Why did I try to go back to him afterwards?

I think I'm especially jealous of people who weren't hurt like I was. I am wallowing in my hurt. It feels good. I have these voices in my head saying different things. One voice talks to me in third person and says, "what's the matter with you, why are you always so upset" the other voice says "nothing is the matter, i'm just pretending". the other voice says "you've been very hurt and are still hurting." And so on. It's very confusing. I am so alone, not because I don't have people in my life but because I am alone inside myself. I am alone in my hurt. I don't let anyone get close. If I do, then I will be hurt really bad.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not trying to hurt your feelings,but the laws of Yichud was instituted because of this problem. It's very hard to rape somebody when other people are around.

March 31, 2005 6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try to ignore the insensitive previous comment. Not having any remotly similar experience I can only imagine your horrible pain and trauma. You are a survivor and will find in time the partner who provide support and love.
YB

March 31, 2005 7:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who ever is posting the think of Yichud is a complete idiot. Why don't you tell the rapist, and all the rapist of the world to follow the laws of Yichud. Maybe we should tell the rapist of the world to find you and let you experience first hand what happens to a survivor of sexual assault?

You are one sick individual. Go back to the rock you crawled out of.

March 31, 2005 8:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mara,
I know what you mean. I am also jealous of my friends who are having wonderful things happen to them. I want to be happy for them, but I end up coming home and crying. I am always asking when are good things going to happen to me to?

I too was date raped. I also was pregnant from the rape and gave a child up for adoption. Every year on her birthday I think of her. I wonder if she looks like me, or my rapist.

And who ever is posting about the laws of yichud, go f___ yourself.

March 31, 2005 8:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mara,

No, it wasn't your fault you were raped. It doesn't make it less of a rape by the fact that you froze and didn't fight. That's not an unusual occurrance, and does not make it less of a crime.

Do you have a local SOS (Sex Offense Services) or Rape Crisis Center in your area? Call them, or you local YWCA to see about any local rape victims support groups. These might be helpful.

In regards to your question about why you tried to go back to him, well, if you dissociated during the rape and then later experienced disbelief that it even happened, I think that's common too. That happened for me. I think it took nearly six weeks for it to sink in that what actually happened was in reality rape.

As far as envy of others who have never been traumatized like this, yes, I've had periods of those feelings as well.
Just to let you know you aren't alone.

March 31, 2005 10:14 PM  
Blogger Mara said...

thanks for all your support. I just read that seasonal affective disorder is the worst in March and April. (I have SAD.) Who would've thought. I thought that once I came out of the winter I'd be ok. It's good to know this. I'll use my sun lamp more and hopefully I'll feel better from it.

April 01, 2005 4:30 AM  
Blogger Naomi said...

Mara,
I know a women on a "shidduch" whose date put something in her drink and then d her in the car...Bringing the laws of yichud into this is very inappropriate. It's almost like telling a victim of a car on shabbos that this is why the laws of shabbos were put into place. What about Tamar (in the torah) who was d by her brother? The laws of yichud would not have helped her. By the way, her father(king David?) publicised the to try to prevent it from happening to anyone else. He did not deny it to try to protect his families image. Yichud laws were put into place to protect two consentual s from giving in to a mutual desire, not to prevent . The above poster who wrote that is making you feel responsible for your rapist's abusive behavior. You are NOT responsible.

April 01, 2005 11:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if the person posting the Yichud stuff is Tendler himself, or his wife?

April 01, 2005 9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The purpose of Yichud is to prevent rape and or mutual consent. It's not so hard to understand the logic behind it. . Yichud with anybody else but your spouse is wrong.
It is wrong for both men and women.
"What about Tamar (in the torah) who was d by her brother? The laws of yichud would not have helped her"
That staement is false. The laws of Yichud was instituted because of what happened as to prevent it in the future.If the law was around then,it would not have happened.
"Who ever is posting the think of Yichud is a complete idiot. Why don't you tell the rapist, and all the rapist of the world to follow the laws of Yichud. "
Huh,what you said makes no sense.Just because they don't follow it,means you should be double careful.

April 03, 2005 10:35 PM  

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