Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Cutting insensitive people out of your life

If there are people who are well meaning but insensitive and keep hurting you, at what point do you say, that's enough, I don't want you in my life anymore?

I have cut a few people out of my life. I don't call them anymore. They don't call me either. They never called me. They always waited for me to call them. I guess that's part of the problem. I don't feel they really care about me.

It's hard because I don't like cutting people out of my life. But I do need to keep myself safe. The people I've cut out feel hurt (in one case, extremely hurt) and I'm sad that I cause them pain, but I just can't deal with them in my life.

Being a survivor is a lonely experience. I find that the only people who can really understand me are fellow survivors. I wish there were a community somewhere with lots of trees and grass and only survivors. And a big fence to keep everyone else out.


Blogger Dina Tamar said...

Hi Mara,
Nice to meet you too. I also agree with you about having to put boundaries around the people I let into my life. There have been times I wish I lived in a community of just survivors too. But I want to add a community of survivors who have been in therapy and have worked through a lot of their issues. I've also been hurt by others survivors. Everyone struggles to have their needs met, and unfortuantely sometimes until a great deal of healing has been done my survivor friends couldn't see that other people's needs could also be important.

March 15, 2005 11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Dina Tamar and Mara,
It's interesting to read about the two of you.

I also have had to cut people out of my life. I remember after I was sexually assaulted by a friend, that many of my friends were also his friends. It was my word against his. Our friends were split in who to believe. I found that I just had to drop out of that circle of friends to heal. I ended up moving to another state. It was too hard to watch and hear the fighting and arguing. I had to cut a whole community out of my life.

March 15, 2005 11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've had to cut people out of my life as well.
One bizarre thing I experienced and didn't understand: a woman who was a rape survivor came forward to offer friendship and support. I valued and still value the time she took.
However, when I began to go forward to make reports she turned on me and accused me of "wallowing in victimization." I found that odd because speaking up finally was of great value to re-empowering myself, and hardly what she was accusing me of.
That hurt, but I had to realize that she must have had some of her own unresolved issues.

March 16, 2005 1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh -- (and continued from above post)--- that was something I ended up discussing with Rabbi Blau about, and he was very helpful. He told me that that is a far too common occurrance, that some people can handle supporting you just so far, and frequently do turn on the victim when they begin to go public.

That helped to know, but didn't take the sting away completely.

March 16, 2005 1:36 PM  
Blogger Mara said...

You are very right about survivors who have not been in therapy and done healing work. Sometimes they can be worse than others, maybe bc they are in denial? After I was raped, I called fellow survivors and got great support from them.
anonymous, too bad you had to leave a whole life behind. I also went through something similar. I still feel kind of between two worlds. I'll write about this...

March 17, 2005 4:10 PM  

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