Thursday, March 10, 2005

Being Sexual After Being Sexually Assaulted

From a Survivor who wants to remain annoymous

Years ago I was sexually assaulted by a trusted friend. He was engaged to a friend. He had always been "a good guy", like a brother to me. I had no reason to think that he would rape me.

After the assault I did something that was very confusing to me for a few years. I found myself being promiscuous with men I didn't know.

I remember talking about this in therapy, and my rape counselor explained to me that my actions and reactions were not uncommon for a rape victim.

I didn't feel safe. I felt like anyone could rape me and get away with it. I felt like all the control was taken away from me. I wanted to be back in charge of my life.

I found myself finding men, and just having sex with them because I could. It was "wham, bam, thank you man." I wasn't really sexually attracted to any of the men, and I felt no attachment to them. I just want to prove to myself I could have sex with anyone I wanted to. I wanted to say who could put themselves inside me, and who couldn't.

I'll admit it may not be the healthiest way for me to feel in control of my life again, but it's what I did.

Prior to being sexually assaulted, I was very trusting of others, after the assault I had difficulties trusting people. I felt safer with strangers, then with people I knew.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this. I thought I was the only one who did that.

March 12, 2005 11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this strikes a chord with me. i also started 'hooking up' after being sexually assaulted. i guess i felt that if i'm never gonna find love, at least i can have fun.

March 12, 2005 6:09 PM  
Anonymous Joanne said...

After I was assaulted I started drinking and hanging out at bars. I was raped by someone I knew. I also felt like strangers were safer, and also I was trying to take control back. I can't even tell you how many men I slept with during that time. But with really good counseling I was able to work through that. I look back and shake my head all the time, when I think about what I did.

I have to say b'h' that I didn't end up with a STD, especially AID's.

March 12, 2005 11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this, I had no idea it was a common phenomenon.
I'm only recently dealing with these things. Coming to grips with the fact I've been raped three times over the years. The first (at 14) and the second, I was very sexual afterwards. I remember after the second time, thinking specifically that I was determined not to have the rape be the last thing my body experienced, and the sex with the new partner (someone I barely knew), would 'wipe out' the effects of the rape.
From the other comments here, I realize now it was my own form of 'taking control' back as well.

Thank you to the commenters before me, I was not even going to let myself think about the topic in this post.

March 13, 2005 9:02 AM  

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