Is This Just A Problem For Incest Survivors?
All too often you hear stories about survivors of childhood sexual abuse getting revictimized as adults. The statistics are high for incest survivors to become rape victims when they get older. This is true for both male and female survivors. We also know that most sex offenders go after people they already know. Stranger rape is not as common as date rape.
My questions to everyone is why do you think it is that incest survivors and survivors of childhood sexual abuse bring those who offend into their lives? Why is it that we are attracted to women/men who have "Bad Girl/Boy" behavior? What can we do to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future?
My questions to everyone is why do you think it is that incest survivors and survivors of childhood sexual abuse bring those who offend into their lives? Why is it that we are attracted to women/men who have "Bad Girl/Boy" behavior? What can we do to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future?
posted by Jewish Survivors at Friday, February 25, 2005
8 Comments:
It's not just survivors of childhood sexual abuse, but of childhood violence as well.
In 'Trauma and Recovery' she mentions something about victims entering into abusive adult relationships as ways to make an abusive situation come out right. Not sure if I have the wording correct. And not sure what I think about that, either.
What's interesting to me, is, I can always detect and tell when a friend or someone I care about has entered a new relationship that is screaming with red flags. But, have never been able to see those red flags for myself.
I am an incest survivor, and was sexually assaulted as a young adult. I guess you could call it date rape. But I wasn't dating him at the time. Do I call it "friend rape"?
I brought charges up against him. He spent 30 days in the county jail for contempt of court. He left the court house before he was supposed to. He got off on the rape charges.
I've dated other abusive men in the past. I feel like I'm a magnet to men who rape or are physically violent. I finally stopped dating and went into therapy. I hope this can all change around for me.
I'm a survivor of childhood violence, adult abusive relationships, and rape as well.
One thing I've thought of recently, is perhaps it's dangerous for us to trust "chemistry". We don't have the foundations of parental love that most people do. It would not be surprising to think that we might be somehow "wired" to be attracted to abusiveness since love and abuse were messed up in our brains at young ages.
Maybe the key is to not trust so-called "chemistry", and have a more conscientious set of qualities we seek in potential future relationships.
I think we are attracted to what is familiar to us. Abusers are people we grew up with and they were "normal" to us as kids. Normal and familiar is comforting. I have never been revictimized as an partially because I never allowed myself to be in a relationship until I had been through alot of therapy.
Growing up I felt like I was my father's whore. As a teenager I slept around. I figured what was the difference? With my father he always felt bad the next day and bought me presents. In high school I went out on tons of dates, went to great concerts, the best restuants, and in exchange I had sex. What was the difference. In college it was more of the same as in high school. I went on to graduate school. Paid for my education the same way I did my undergraduate degree. But something changed in my twenties. I wanted to have a meaningful relationship with someone. I went to therapy and worked through a lot of issues. I got married last year. I love my husband.
I do know what you mean when you felt like you were your father's whore. I did too. When I think back to some of the abuse, I knew that if I would do what he wanted, then my life would be easier. If I wanted to something I would ask him if I could have money to buy it. If he said no, I would seduce him. It worked. The problem was I was 12 - 13 years old.
Later when I was in therapy I realized that even though I would seduce him, it was still considered sexual abuse. I thought it was normal. I also blamed myself for what I did. It wasn't until I was 23 that my therapist explained to me what is normal for a father and what wasn't.
I feel stupid now when I think back to that time. But to be honest, I really didn't know there was a problem.
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When I reached puberty my father gave me a nickname. I was known as his "little slut". A term of endearment.
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