Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Survivors who get involved with Pornography and/or Prostitution as Adults

It's not uncommon for individuals who were sexually abused as children to allow themselves to be used in prostitution or pornography.

1. Sometimes survivors allow themselves to be used as a way of recreating their victimization.

2. Sometimes they do it to feel a sense of control over their bodies.

3. Sometimes survivors may go through a period of time that they are promiscuous and end up feeling like they were prostitutes.

These are difficult issues to be addressed especially in Jewish communities, but it is important that we do discuss them. Survivors who come from observant families are just as likely to have to face these issues as those from unaffiliated backgrounds. The only way we will be able to help our children or our neighbors children is to break the taboos and talk about the reality of what's happening.

Please use this blog to speak your mind on the topic.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting this. I never understood really why I did what I did when I was younger. But this all makes sense to me now. Are there support groups for people like this?

January 12, 2005 10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Important topic.

1. Sometimes survivors allow themselves to be used as a way of recreating their victimization.

The BDSM-Kabbalah rabbi--(I think everyone knows who this is by now)---knows this and is precisely why he preys on vulnerable women with past histories of abuse.

The above mentioned rabbi latched on to the concept of "re-framing"; to engage in BDSM activities as a way of turning prior abusive experiences into pleasurable ones. This is hard to write, because looking back it sounds so absurd, so insidious. But in case any of his other or future victims stumble across this blog down the road, I'd like to state very simply that there is NOT an ounce of healing that comes from ANY involvement with him. It is simply heaping on further abuse and manipulation.

For everyone else, I'm curious how many other so-called 'spiritual leaders' have done the same, or similar, in convincing/presenting their sexual seductions presented as a form of 'healing'? (even if not to the extreme as the above mentioned example).

January 13, 2005 8:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a frum clinical psychologist. Through discussion with patients addicted to pornography I came to the following understanding of this need (at least in some people). Since people would usually allow themselves to be seen unclothed only by those that they have an intimate relationship with, therefore looking at a picture of an unclothed person gives the viewer the illusion of an intimate relationship. Hope this is helpful to someone. Ben

January 14, 2005 4:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went to a rabbi looking for help. I told him I was an incest survivor, and about some of my abuse. He was very kind, caring and gentle with me.

As time went on we ended up having a sexual relationship. He started this very slowly. It started after I started talking to him about how I saw myself as being ugly, and believed that my body was malformed. I had battled with anorexia for a few years, but had it pretty much undercontrol.

The rabbi wanted to show me how beautiful I was. I remember the first time he had me undress in front of him. It started off by me taking off my blouse and bra. I told him about how uneven my breasts were and he wanted to see. I was embarassed at first, but then he explained to me that it was my choice. If I wanted to feel better about myself that I would comply. If i wanted to stay stuck I would leave my blouse on.

Over a few week period, one thing lead to another and before I knew it we were having sexual relations. He also had a polorid camera and would take pictures of me naked on his bed. He would have me doing sexual things to myself for the photo's. I loved him and did it because it made him happy. I always felt funny about it, but he promised me that no one else would see the pictures.

This went on for about a year until I started talking to one of my friends about the whole situation. She explained to me that it was inappropriate to me for someone providing counseling to have sexual relations with me. She said that could be considered incest too. Because a therapist, even if they were a rabbi becomes like a parent.

My friend gave me the phone number of a rape counseling center near me. I went and told them about what happened. Over a few month period I stopped being involved with the rabbi.

It was very difficult at first because he was the first man (besides my father) I had ever been with. I really thought he was going to divorce his wife and marry me. I really thought he loved me. I really wanted him to. But the reality was I was being manipulated. I went through a period of severe depression. I'm over that now, and can look back and see clearly how he sucked me in. I am outraged at what happened to me.

January 15, 2005 10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am outraged for you! What a horrible violation and betrayal of this so called rabbi. Is he still a practicing rabbi? Have you reported him to the awareness center?

January 15, 2005 6:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've spoken to Vicki about my case, but because I didn't press charges (I was to afraid to). There were no newspaper articles about my case, I was told they couldn't put my case up on their page. I know because of my fear of talking to the police he is still out there, and the odds are he's done the same thing to another woman.

I still feel so much shame for allowing myself to be manipulated by this man. I trusted him, and really thought he loved me, as much as I loved him.

January 15, 2005 8:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous, the modus operandi of the rabbi who abused you sounds very similar to the modus operandi of the rabbi who abused me. I know he preyed on incest survivors as well, in fact, he once stated they were drawn to him, in an oddly boasting kind of way.

That these men present sexual interactions with them as loving/healing acts is so insidious.
Hold on to your outrage; try not to let it overwhelm you but let it be a tool in further healing and helping you be able to get your story out there somehow.

January 16, 2005 9:55 AM  

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