Sunday, January 09, 2005

Are We Responsible?

There are many questions incest survivors have while they are healing, which is a lifetime event. So many of us have gone to our therapists, rabbis, law enforcement looking for help. There's so many questions that no one has ever answered in a way that we have a definative answer. Here are some of those questions, and I'm hoping we can discuss them here. Please add more questions if you can think of any, and supply answers if you have or can.


1. Do you have to confront your offender(s) to heal?

2. Do you have to forgive your offender(s) to heal?

3. What do you do if your an incest survivor (or survivor of childhood sexual abuse) and your offender still has access to children? Are you responsible to do anything?

4. You're afraid that your younger siblings (brothers/sisters) are at risk of harm, what do you do?

5. You're afraid that your siblings could be abusing their children, what do you do?

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. Do you have to confront your offender(s) to heal?

2. Do you have to forgive your offender(s) to heal?


There are NO "Have too's" when it comes to healing! I can't believed that you even asked such a question.

January 11, 2005 10:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(Not an incest survivor, but rabbinical abuse survivor); attempted to confront the abuser in writing initially, it was a waste of time.

I would imagine many of them are so highly skilled in the art of manipulation and denial, that the attempts probably end up fruitless. However, for one's own peace of mind, it may be good to have been able to know that at least an attempt was made. Don't hold your breath and hope for any constructive results, however.

January 12, 2005 8:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. Do you have to confront your offender(s) to heal?
2. Do you have to forgive your offender(s) to heal?

Ditto. There are no "have to's. Every situation is unique and extremely complex. There are some good books on this, though: Courage to Heal has a good section on it, and David Augsberger (I'm not sure on the spelling) wrote an excellent (albeit Christian) book called "Caring Enough to Forgive/Caring Enough to Not Forgive." None of his examples are anything like sexual abuse, but he gives objective criteria for how to tell when "forgiveness" is healthy vs. in toxic, and his criteria applied readily to my own sexual abuse issues. He does quote Christian scripture to support his views against conventional "forgive a forget" b.s., but you can skip that part without losing any of his important and valid points.

3. What do you do if your an incest survivor (or survivor of childhood sexual abuse) and your offender still has access to children? Are you responsible to do anything?

Stopping the cycle of abuse is a huge part of Tikkun Olam--the healing of the world--but we cannot take responsibility for things we have no control over.

If you can do so without risk to your safety or sanity, I would try to tell someone--either social services, or the parents of the children at risk.

I told my sisters. It ruined my relationships with them and with my whole family, but they stopped letting the offender babysit, and that's all I really cared about. I'm thankful that they listened and decided to be cautious, even though they wouldn't believe me and they actually blamed ME for my dad's retribution at them for not letting him babysit anymore. I'm just thankful that I was able to protect my nieces and nephews even though no one will probably ever acknowledge the sacrifice I made. It did cost me greatly, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

4. You're afraid that your younger siblings (brothers/sisters) are at risk of harm, what do you do?

I don't know. I'm the youngest. It sounds wrenching. I'd hope that you had a trustworthy therapist to talk to about it. And whatever you do, you have to protect your own safety. Even if you can't rescue them from the abuse, you can be a role model for setting boundaries and for healing when it is safe to do so. But if you put your safety or sanity at risk, you won't be able to be there for them (or anyone else!) later.

5. You're afraid that your siblings could be abusing their children, what do you do?

Same as above. And talk to safe people to get reality-checks on your perceptions. But even if other people keep dismissing your worries, I'd urge you to pay attention, watch your siblings, listen to their children, and continue to re-assess whether or not you should take any action.

Stopping the cycle of abuse is a huge part of Tikkun Olam: the healing of the world. For anyone who really is in this situation, my prayers are with you.

January 12, 2005 12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for that. In regards to all the supporters/ones in denial of their abusive friends/rabbis who shout "lashon hara" anytime someone comes forward to tell their story---does Tikkun Olam take precedence over the law of lashon hara?

January 13, 2005 10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We had to face the issue of lashan hara and this is what we were told (by 2 separate Orthodox rabbis). If there were incidences involving 2 separate people (2 witnesses), than not only was it not lashan hara to tell, but there is an absolute obligation to tell. Moreover, there is an obligation to reveal the behavior to the rabbis in whatever community the offender lives in or moves to. Of course, this is, at times in direct violation of American law, which prohibits slander. But that could be an entirely different post (truth is an absolute defense in cases of slander)....

January 14, 2005 6:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, and I am glad you received sound advice from those rabbis.

January 16, 2005 9:58 AM  

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